Dearest Skynard Fan,

Comment from “SKYNYRD FAN” to Jerry Grit’s Year in Albums #9: August (Part 2) [Censored on behalf of my more delicate readers]

HEY YOU [expletive] MORON.

WHAT KIND OF [racial epithet] MUSIC DO YOU LISTEN TO?

WHY DID YOU BUY THE CD, SCUMBAG, IF ALL YOU’RE GONNA DO IS BASH IT?

YOU STUPID [different expletive] YOU.

AND LEARN TO SPELL LYNYRD SKYNYRD, [more different expletive].

YOU WOULD BE BETTER OFF WITH A BULLET IN YOUR [expletive, same as the first] HEAD

Dearest Skynard Fan,

I was very excited to receive your comment. I treasure deeply that you sought out my posting, read it, and have let your voice be heard, however loud and monotone your voice seems to be.

Nonetheless, I can sense from you comment’s tone that you are not fully onboard with my assessment of how listening to Lynard Skynard is like hearing “beer bellies…Rows and rows of swaying, dirty beer bellies.”

But criticize you did and respond I should.

SKYNYRD FAN: HEY YOU [expletive] MORON.

Me: “Hey” to you, my friend. Your good-natured but obscene badinage has gotten my attention. You may proceed. 

SKYNYRD FAN: WHAT KIND OF [racial epithet] MUSIC DO YOU LISTEN TO?

Me: Thank you for asking. Although, I’m not familiar with music genre of which you speak, much less of any of its sub-genres. Your interests are obviously as varied as they are deep. I appreciate your interest in my listening preferences, however.

SKYNYRD FAN: WHY DID YOU BUY THE CD, SCUMBAG, IF ALL YOU’RE GONNA DO IS BASH IT?

Me: Again, your curiosity is so refreshing. But don’t be mistaken. I didn’t buy it to bash it. I bought it to enjoy it. And you must admit, that’s nearly impossible. Also, bashing is not ALL I’m going to do to it. The disc functions nicely as a coaster/cat toy/bad mirror. And I needed to stash my copy of “Truth or Dare” somewhere no one would ever look. One would be would hard-pressed to find a place more bereft and derelict than the inside of a Lynard Skynard CD case.  

SKYNYRD FAN: YOU STUPID [different expletive] YOU.

Me: Your criticism is bracing, but cleansing. Like the arctic winds.

SKYNYRD FAN: AND LEARN TO SPELL LYNYRD SKYNYRD, [more different expletive]

Me: I have no idea what you’re talking about.

SKYNYRD FAN: YOU WOULD BE BETTER OFF WITH A BULLET IN YOUR [expletive, same as the first] HEAD

Me: Thank you for the suggestion. However, I am going to have to take you at your word. For I notice a flaw in your advice. It doesn’t seem like I would be living with such an accoutrement so placed. Thus, I wouldn’t “be” at all, much less “be better.”

Oh, wait. I get it.

Sir, you have unmanned me.

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3 Comments

  1. There’s no need to dress down Donna Vore like this. She gets very passionate about her Skynyrd. All she wants is for you to apologize.

  2. dang. didn’t know it was your moms. wasn’t aware the muffin-making masseuse was so loose with her expletives and epithets. no offense, but the lady needs to calm down. she threatened my life, dude.

    but i guess she is an “ohioan.” real midwest smalltown values on display here. could she run for vp?

  3. […] Central Pennsylvania, or any other part of Real America, then Stereolab is probably way above your Lynard Skynard-loving head. Stalwarts of post-rock from the Continent, they create chill odd lounge-y tunes for […]


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